Please join Dick Jones in crying (crocodile) tears at the passing of this Macho Big Game Hunter – hopefully his head wasn’t damaged and can be saved for mounting on the family of the dead elephant’s wall in THEIR “trophy room”:
Dick Jones would like to thank his Irish drinking buddy, fellow animal lover, ancestor to a Viking, and honorary dirty Hungarian gypsy-to-be for alerting him to this story!
What. The. FUCK?!
Peggy & I, after ~4 years’ deliberation, FINALLY made our decision for a dining room table light to replace the CEILING FAN that the original owner had suspended from the 20′ ceiling when the house was built in 1994.
A ceiling fan – REALLY?! I don’t know about anyone ELSE, but unless you’re prone to serving your victuals NUCLEAR HOT, I for one am not apt to want a fan DIRECTLY over my dining room table…
I won’t get into the NIGHTMARE that was “the fan de-installation” and the subsequent light installation – all from the TWENTY FOOT CEILING; we’ll leave THAT whole ‘nuther Oprah for a future entry!
What I would like to call your attention to is the fine “Instruction Sheet” that accompanied the VERY expensive, Made-In-Our-Mother-Country-Of-Chin-Wa light. Please enjoy – feel free to scratch your ball sack in confusion while reading:
This was the ONLY installation instructions that accompanied the lamp! Luckily, ole’ DJ is no stranger to installing shit; furthermore, he IS a stranger to “rotted detergent”. Hopefully, whoever wrote this tome isn’t also writing menus for your favorite Chinese restaurant…
Dick Jones is sure that everyone with a pulse has seen this video by now:
Now I ain’t no mathematician, but I would call that “an expensive seat-clearing” for United Airlines – can you say “Chapter 11?” Lemme see – stock position down ONE BILLION DOLLARS the day after – I’m guessing that the Stormtroopers shown in the video will be looking elsewhere for the future funds required to keep up with their respective twice-monthly testosterone shots doncha know…
But wait – ‘dere’s MAAWWW…!!! These moronic apes picked a DOCTOR to tune up; can you say STAGGERING LAWSUIT? Dick Jones is guessing that the prestigious Chicago law firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe is drawing up the paperwork as he types. Furthermore, I betcha that there are a WHOLE LOTTA United Airlines flight crew resumes in copy machines right about now…
Here’s a tip for everyone who reads this – when you close the front door of your house, condo, refrigerator box, or wherever you happen to stay, just ASSUME that someBODY is recording you – so don’t scratch your ball sack, and maybe hold off on beating the bloody SHITE outta somebody that you don’t take a shine to, or who you might otherwise wanna show how tough you are – can ya’ hear me NOW, Officer Forearms?!
Dick Jones asks “How’s THIS for wacky, Kids?” (Insert Rhetorical Question emoji HERE):
I seem to recall a similar law here in the good ole’ US of A; to wit: “I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee” – followed by depositing fresh, warm dog shit on your spouse’s shoes. I might be inclined to do JUST that myownself – except for:
1). Mrs. Jones and I only have (5) Rescue Cats, and apparently this law ONLY applies to dog shit.
2). Dick Jones also being the Hungarian House Boy, HE would be the one that would have to clean up Mrs. Jones’ shoes; two litterboxes twice/day is MORE than enough shite-cleaning!
Two less MOH-RONS clogging up the Planet with their drooling visages; Dick Jones says “Bully – Two Thumbs Up For Mass Transit!”