How To Survive A Parachute Failure

Dick Jones could not WAIT to share this CRITICAL information with his (admittedly) miniscule following; to wit:

“Option B” – the one that Dick Jones has embraced for 62.5 years now, is to not get up out of the fucking ELECTRIC CHAIR to voluntarily don a parachute in the FIRST fucking place!  Dick has never jumped out of a motor vehicle at speed, never jumped out of a motorboat at speed, and NEVER exited a submerged submarine at speed; tell me AGAIN why ANY swingin’ dick would want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane??!!



Free Pet Euthanasia & Cremation Service Offered By United Airlines!

United Airlines – you might already know them as the airline that will implement a delightful “makeover” to you if you refuse to change seats – Dick Jones covered THIS goat fuck not too long ago:

As part of their new “Up, Up, & Away To Heaven” promotion, United Airlines is now offering FREE OF CHARGE to euthanize that pesky pet of yours! For a limited time only on any domestic United Airlines Flight, one of their helpful & courteous flight attendants will gladly step in and INSIST on putting your beloved pet in a hot, stuffy, asphyxiating overhead bin for the duration of your flight.

Upon arrival, they will then remove your now dead pet, arrange to have it cremated, and its ashes delivered to your doorstep at no charge to you! Furthermore, if you “squirt a few” on network television, they’ll even reimburse you for your flight expenses – what WILL they think of next?!

Dick Jones hereby gives a “tip of the hat” to United Airlines for their continued ingenuity – let’s watch those profits SOAR, shall we?

dog skeleton

This guy’s dance card is ALREADY starting to fill up!

Happy 2018, loyal readers! Dick Jones would like to introduce you to one of THE most popular new prisoners to be “loosed” (pun intended) into the genital (pun intended) prison population – coming to an institution near you:  This guy’s rectum is gonna be busier than a Penn Station turnstyle at rush hour, doncha know…

Good old Larry “Loose Anus” Nassar – I can just hear the prison population discussing his merits now: “Yeah, Larry didn’t give too good of a blow job when he first got here – but after we punched all those pesky teeth out – now that mouth of his is SO scha-weet! He ever’body’s bee-atch, uh hunh…”

The line forms to the REAR, fellas – there’s room for ALL of you, so no need to fight amongst yourselves! Dick Jones just LOVES “a happy end-ing”!

“The Island Of Lost Lechers”

Here’s a new screenplay idea under development by Dick Jones – I predict an INSTANT Horror Classic!

The year: 2020.  The place: A formerly deserted island within The Bermuda Triangle which, beginning in 2018, became home to the likes of Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, Al Franken, Louis C.K., Dustin Hoffman, Jeremy Piven, Brett Ratner, Chris Savino, Steven Seagal, Russell Simmons, Tom Sizemore, Jeffrey Tambor, George Takei, James Toback, Matthew Weiner, Ed Westwick, Stephen Blackwell, Mark Halperin, Garrison Keillor, Michael Oreskes, Roy Price, Geraldo Rivera, Charlie Rose, Glenn Thrush, George H.W. Bush, John Conyers, Michael Fallon, Bill Cosby, and even Roy Moore, with his tiny little gun – all exiled here in shame following allegations of sexual assault, misconduct, and inappropriate behavior.  In a touch of bitter irony, a FedEx jet loaded with a shipment of Viagra, bound for the EU due to “performance issues” (not) arising from all the bad press and resultant pressure on the male of the species, crashed there in 2019…

In a FURTHER touch of the seemingly bitter irony that plagues the World now, a large contingency of women led by Diane Feinstein, all aboard a luxury steamship bound for a celebratory European vacation, finds themselves shipwrecked on said island as the result of severe weather brought about by the global warming epidemic.  If THIS isn’t a horror story of GLOBAL magnitude, then Dick Jones is a Hungarian House Boy…


Dick Jones Has Seen The Future…

…here it is, Kids – The Future of movies, television, politics, and even “romance”; in a word: Robots!  With a robot in the chair as your favorite news anchor, actor, or politician, there will be no more sexual harassment accusations!  I mean – fire a ROBOT?!  Not gonna happen!  After all, 99% of the firings now are absolute HEARSAY (or heresy; maybe both) – robots will be WAY cheaper than the buyouts that big corporations & individuals are having to pay out/pay off at the mere MENTION of “he did this to me 152 years ago – I have no PROOF, but it DID happen as *I* remember it!”

From there, it’s a hop, skip & a jump to robotic surrogate husbands/wives/lovers – Dick Jones has already reserved in preparation…