O.K. – Let Dick Jones say for the record that this Blog entry is for HIM and not for YOU; “you” in this case being the gross “mishandler” of the English language. A leopard don’t change its stripes – those of you that make these ALL-TOO-COMMON errors are gonna KEEP making them we all KNOW! HowEVER: if by doing this, Mssr. Jones changes just ONE reader’s email/forum/blog posting future, then his efforts will have been well worthwhile! Here goes:
Infraction numero uno: “It’s” versus “its”. Now I’ll admit, this is a tough one, in that it’s (see what I did there?!) counterintuitive to what we all learned (or DIDN’T learn) back in fourth grade – a grade that Dick Jones was PARTICULARLY truant during – spending a large block of time either out in the hall, thanks to getting the figurative “boot-kick” by Mr. Snitchler , or in the Principal’s office, where he would spend quite a bit of time wondering why Mr. Boone (the Principal) always wore those dark glasses INSIDE during the day; to wit: Was Mr. Boone a boozer? Did Mr. Boone always have a black eye – the result of a fracas with Mrs. Boone? Or (and worst possible scenario) – was Mr. Boone the dude from the sci-fi movie “Not Of This Earth” – he DID bear a STRIKING resemblance to the lead bad-ass, right up to the ever-present fedora; YIKES!
Now where was I? Oh yeah – It’s versus its. It’s really quite simple, fair readers: “It’s” is ONLY “It is” – PERIOD! It’s (see what I did there?) NEVER EVER “possessive”; as in: “It’s on it’s way” – WRONG! Correct: “It’s (it is) on its (not possessive) way…” See how easy that was?
Infraction Numero 2: “You’re versus your” – GeezFuckin’CHRIS – you’re KILLIN’ me here! “You’re on your way” – not “Your on your way”! “You’re” is YOU ARE; another example: “You’re a MORON if you type your instead of you’re!” Didn’t Mrs. Sparrow-Fart, or WHOEVER that snaggle-toothed teacher that YOU had in Fourth grade teach you contractions I wanna know? Or were you too (hint: My next infraction discussion) busy jerkin’ the gerkin’ to pay attention perhaps? Use “your” when you’re referring to someone’s possession or item, as in: “Your girlfriend has THE ugliest grille-work I have EVER laid eyes on – I sure hope she can cook!” Are we clear here?
Sidebar: Dick Jones will “give you a pass” if you’re clever enough to sign a classmate’s yearbook as follows: “I hope urinal my classes next year” instead of “I hope you’re in all my classes next year”; A+ for cleverness!
Infraction Numbre Three: “To versus too” – Again; pretty damned easy! When you get ready to END that sentence, and you want to put the word “to” all up in there, just throw an extra “o” on it – it’s JUST that simple! “End of sentence to, extra o” – on accounta it means “also”, but I’m-a keep it simple, so just remember this again: “End o’ sentence, extra o” – Easy, right? Now go and do likewise, Mr. or Ms. Smarter-For-It; Mr. Jones tips his hat to you, too! (I won’t get into the whole “he had toO many blows to the head as a child” scenario – if you simply get that “too” right at the END of your sentence, I’ll be happy!)
Infraction Four: “Brakes versus Breaks” – A little background is in order here: Dick Jones is a “car guy”; as such, he reads automotive blogs and online car magazines quite often. I am SLACK-JAWED with amazement at just how often I see some self-important automotive journalist mention the “breaks” on a vehicle. Really?! Where EXACTLY are the “breaks” on this vehicle, since if it has ANY breaks, I’m not a buyer! Clearly, you took 1 or 2 extra “Vape Breaks” back in high school (which you must have JUST graduated from a year or two ago) and jettisoned whatever spare brain cells you had rattling around in that noggin of yours into Vaporspace…
In closing’, Dick Jones ain’t no fool – I recognize what’s happening here – let’s call it “The Curse Of The Spell Check”, and it’s THE reason why “Artificial Intelligence” ain’t a-gonna take the place of “Natural Intelligence”! No worries though – all your contemporaries will be relying on Spell Check too, so you’ll just be part of the collective “Dumbing Down” phenomena that is a virtual (no pun intended here) PANDEMIC all over the US of A. Go ahead and lay down on your bed tonight, Kids – never mind that big seed pod underneath (“Invasion Of The Body Snatchers” reference here)…