Couple Killed Over 22 cents…

This is what Dick Jones has been preaching since he was a teenager:

Now see what happened here? This couple was not killed over 22 cents – this couple was killed because they only HAD 22 cents! Which is why Dick Jones has been carrying $186.00 in his wallet since he was a teenager – one each of a hundred, a fifty, a twenty, a ten, a five, and a one dollar bill(s) – so that when Dick Jones is held up by a maniacal crack-head, he will have hit the equivalent of The Powerball; it’s La-La Land for the whole Lost Weekend! Obviously the grocer in the above-linked story was a crack-head, a meth-head, or was married to a crack-‘ho or meth-ho’ – that 15 rupees don’t buy much crack, even in the Dalit community I’m guessing…

So there you have it, Kids – tuck yourself away $186.00 tout de suite, don’t touch those rupees unless you HAVE to, and if you do, replenish ASAP – then you can walk the streets of the Dalit community with your head held high, firmly ATTACHED at the shoulders – where God, Nature, and ever’body else but that Green Grocer INTENDED it to be!

head in hand


Dick Jones’ #1 Vote For the 2016 Darwin Awards…

Now I don’t know about YOU peoples; scratch that – yes I DO! I can safely say that not a SINGLE Dick Jones reader would have done what THESE geniuses did while driving through a Chinese Wild Animal Park:

What EXACTLY did these pilgrims NOT understand about the words “Wild Animal” I wanna know?! Hopefully the purveyors of this facility won’t harm EITHER of those tigers, ’cause they were just doing what was in their DNA – much the way Dick Jones has done EACH & EVERY TIME he has driven through a Wild Animal Park; as in – stay IN the freakin’ vehicle, and if you’re STUPIT ENOUGH to get OUT of your vehicle, don’t saunter around like you’ve got all the time in the World – ’cause “All The Time In The World” for you will be counted with that first row of beads on your abacus! And on that big sign that says “Please don’t feed the WILD Animals”, Dick Jones UNDERSTANDS that that also means “with yourownself, MORON!”…

One final word of advice – leave the convertible at home, Kids!

Pokémon Go-ing, Going, GONE!

As in: “Gone – right under that crosstown bus, you freakin’ MORON!” As if the World didn’t have enough MASS cell phone distraction ALREADY – now we’ve got ONE more; and it’s a BIG one, according to the news. Dick Jones hisownself was at a gathering this past Saturday evening – a gathering in point of fact of some purty smart peoples – ’cause Dick Jones ain’t got time to hang around with no mental midgets! Imagine my dismay at finding out that Pokémon Go has its hooks firmly ensconced in one of these poor bastards…

Now it don’t take no Rocket Surgeon to figger out that it’s gonna be just THAT long before some retart steps in front of oncoming traffic on account-a he’s got his or her head all down IN that cell phone, looking for Pokémon. I got news for YOU, Mr. or Ms. Future Ascendant Into The Gates Of Heaven – Pokémon AIN’T up THERE, No Sir – and even if he WAS, how you gonna find him I wanna know?

A Quick Spelling Lesson…

O.K. – Let Dick Jones say for the record that this Blog entry is for HIM and not for YOU; “you” in this case being the gross “mishandler” of the English language. A leopard don’t change its stripes – those of you that make these ALL-TOO-COMMON errors are gonna KEEP making them we all KNOW! HowEVER: if by doing this, Mssr. Jones changes just ONE reader’s email/forum/blog posting future, then his efforts will have been well worthwhile! Here goes:

Infraction numero uno: “It’s” versus “its”. Now I’ll admit, this is a tough one, in that it’s (see what I did there?!) counterintuitive to what we all learned (or DIDN’T learn) back in fourth grade – a grade that Dick Jones was PARTICULARLY truant during – spending a large block of time either out in the hall, thanks to getting the figurative “boot-kick” by Mr. Snitchler , or in the Principal’s office, where he would spend quite a bit of time wondering why Mr. Boone (the Principal) always wore those dark glasses INSIDE during the day; to wit: Was Mr. Boone a boozer? Did Mr. Boone always have a black eye – the result of a fracas with Mrs. Boone? Or (and worst possible scenario) – was Mr. Boone the dude from the sci-fi movie “Not Of This Earth” – he DID bear a STRIKING resemblance to the lead bad-ass, right up to the ever-present fedora; YIKES!



Now where was I? Oh yeah – It’s versus its. It’s really quite simple, fair readers: “It’s” is ONLY “It is” – PERIOD! It’s (see what I did there?) NEVER EVER “possessive”; as in: “It’s on it’s way” – WRONG! Correct: “It’s (it is) on its (not possessive) way…” See how easy that was?

Infraction Numero 2: “You’re versus your” – GeezFuckin’CHRIS – you’re KILLIN’ me here! “You’re on your way” – not “Your on your way”! “You’re” is YOU ARE; another example: “You’re a MORON if you type your instead of you’re!” Didn’t Mrs. Sparrow-Fart, or WHOEVER that snaggle-toothed teacher that YOU had in Fourth grade teach you contractions I wanna know? Or were you too (hint: My next infraction discussion) busy jerkin’ the gerkin’ to pay attention perhaps? Use “your” when you’re referring to someone’s possession or item, as in: “Your girlfriend has THE ugliest grille-work I have EVER laid eyes on – I sure hope she can cook!” Are we clear here?

Sidebar: Dick Jones will “give you a pass” if you’re clever enough to sign a classmate’s yearbook as follows: “I hope urinal my classes next year” instead of “I hope you’re in all my classes next year”; A+ for cleverness!

Infraction Numbre Three: “To versus too” – Again; pretty damned easy! When you get ready to END that sentence, and you want to put the word “to” all up in there, just throw an extra “o” on it – it’s JUST that simple! “End of sentence to, extra o” – on accounta it means “also”, but I’m-a keep it simple, so just remember this again: “End o’ sentence, extra o” – Easy, right? Now go and do likewise, Mr. or Ms. Smarter-For-It; Mr. Jones tips his hat to you, too! (I won’t get into the whole “he had toO many blows to the head as a child” scenario – if you simply get that “too” right at the END of your sentence, I’ll be happy!)

Infraction Four: “Brakes versus Breaks” – A little background is in order here: Dick Jones is a “car guy”; as such, he reads automotive blogs and online car magazines quite often. I am SLACK-JAWED with amazement at just how often I see some self-important automotive journalist mention the “breaks” on a vehicle. Really?! Where EXACTLY are the “breaks” on this vehicle, since if it has ANY breaks, I’m not a buyer! Clearly, you took 1 or 2 extra “Vape Breaks” back in high school (which you must have JUST graduated from a year or two ago) and jettisoned whatever spare brain cells you had rattling around in that noggin of yours into Vaporspace…

In closing’, Dick Jones ain’t no fool – I recognize what’s happening here – let’s call it “The Curse Of The Spell Check”, and it’s THE reason why “Artificial Intelligence” ain’t a-gonna take the place of “Natural Intelligence”! No worries though – all your contemporaries will be relying on Spell Check too, so you’ll just be part of the collective “Dumbing Down” phenomena that is a virtual (no pun intended here) PANDEMIC all over the US of A. Go ahead and lay down on your bed tonight, Kids – never mind that big seed pod underneath (“Invasion Of The Body Snatchers” reference here)…



The Coolie Look

Among the many heavy burdens that Dick Jones carries on his shoulders, one of the most important is being a fashion trendsetter. This requires great perception, forward thinking, and the ability to “define something into existence”; in the case of fashion, the road is twisted and dangerous, littered with “Fashion Failures”. The Zoot Suit, Crocs shoes, ball caps with the visors turned sideways, Guido-style velour tracksuits, and platform sneakers – epic fails all; and none of which were endorsed or embraced by Dick Jones…

With that introduction, please allow me to present “The Coolie Look”. To the uninitiated, a “coolie” is a (now derisive, but what ISN’T these days?!) term for an “unskilled laborer”. Sorry – that defines Dick Jones to a tee! As such, here now is step one in Dick Jones’ transformation from Hungarian House Boy to Coolie; muslin togs and coolie hat forthcoming:


Update: Apparently, Great Minds DO think alike!  I see that some enterprising individual has TAKEN Dick Jones’ “Coolie Look” and turned it into a fine product – now where MY Royalty Check I wanna know?!

sock sandals