Dick Jones ‘Splains Transgender-ism…

Unless you’ve been (blissfully) living in an Alternate Universe (and I KNOW this applies to many of you!), you have had no choice but to become PAINFULLY AWARE of the current “hot topic” – said hot topic being the EPIDEMIC of Transgender-ism, which has apparently become “Priority One” here in the good ole’ US of A – and for all Dick Jones knows, maybe even in EskimoLand – it’s been a while since I’ve traveled there (specifically, a Kubla Khan dream I had back in ’77; I suspect spiked punch at the Alpha Beta Soup frat party I unwittingly wandered into)…

Dick Jones, being the Renaissance Man that he’s known for (check your local Post Office for verification of this if you doubt me), decided to find out for hissownself exactly WHAT being “Transgender” is all about. Could some of my friends be transgender? Are my neighbors transgender? Dick Jones has always had a fascination for women’s breasts – could that make ME transgender? Could one or both of our recently-acquired Rescue Cats be transgender; and if so, what special arrangements regarding litterbox use should Dick Jones apply? Let the record state that Dick Jones is a “giver”, and although he has no children, he still feels a compelling obligation to set the proper tone and environment for his and Peggy’s latest additions to the Jones Fine Family Of Rescue Cats. So I did what any vaguely normal human bean would do – I hit the Internet…

The first thing I found is that I am not alone – apparently the “issue” of exactly what it is to be transgender is confusing enough to warrant a book on the topic:


While Dick Jones really DOES want to know ALMOST all there is to know about being transgender, he doesn’t want to know it “$14.95-plus-shipping” worth; back to Google…

Ah – The Huffington Post – An article dated December 16, 2015 titled “Transgender Explained: Everything You Need To Know About Being Trans”…NOW we’re getting somewhere – or ARE we? For the record: when reading this, Mssr. Jones tried to apply “the rules” to he/sheself, with troubling results:


Quote #1 from the above article: “Transgender people may identify as male or female, or they may feel that neither label fits them.” Hmmm…Let’s see: I like having a (albeit diminutive) penis, and have from an early age – mainly ’cause it makes pissing in “non-restroom” settings – the woods, the side of a fence, an enemy’s driver side car door handle – just flat out easier. So – I identify as a male SO far; or DO I? Let’s face it, men – most of us aren’t very good or conscientious at the whole “aiming process”; in point of fact, *I* never quite know exactly WHERE my pointed Percy is going to decide to stream when I let loose. Sometimes that wily old trouser mouse o’ mine likes to change things up – even when “pointed” directly at the center of the bowl, the ensuing stream will come out at a 30-45 degree angle.

Now, for those of you menfolk who 1). Have maid service; 2). Have a wife who cleans the bathroom(s); or 3). Don’t care about a clean bathroom, this is not an issue – for Dick Jones The Hungarian House Boy/Chief Bathroom Cleaner – this IS an issue. As a result, Dick Jones – in the comfort & privacy of his own home, usually sits DOWN to pee – the other benefit being that he can catch up on his important reading a little bit at a time, 10-12 times/day. If a man sits down to pee, could that make him “on the road” towards being transgender?

Quote #2: “If they identify as a gender that they don’t particularly identify as at birth – so if they were born female for example then they would not necessarily fit into that category.” Once again, Dick Jones looks inside: “Let’s see here – I like women’s shoes; always have! Oddly enough, when I walk into a shoe store or walk by a shoe store window and a style of shoe catches my eye, invariably, it’s a woman’s shoe. I seem to naturally identify with women’s shoes over men’s shoes – could this make me transgender?”

Quote #3: “Being transgender has nothing to do with sexuality. Munroe Bergdorf, a writer and trans activist discussed this further and said: “No, in one word no it doesn’t. (Aside: That’s three words, isn’t it?) I identify as bisexual and trans, and I’ve got lots of friends that identify as heterosexual and trans. I’ve got lesbian trans friends, I’ve got gay trans male friends – it doesn’t affect sexuality at all.”

Now Dick Jones is REALLY confused – I like sitting down to pee, I like women’s shoes, yet I like having sex with a woman – could I still be transgender? Come to think of it, I sure do like those Victoria’s Secret stores – I’m getting Born Again Hard just THINKING about them – better read on, Richard!

Quote #4: “Non-binary is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine. Munroe explains: “Non-binary is somebody that doesn’t identify as male or female. They would either see themselves as either – or somewhere in the middle. That is where terms like genderqueer are used.” Holy Shit – could Dick Jones, by his own aforementioned definitions – be “somewhere in the middle”? I am one Non-Binary Mo’Fo’ in at least a few ways! Confusion begins to set in here in DJ-Land…

Quote #5: “By definition, the gender binary is the classification of sex and gender into two distinct, opposite and disconnected forms of masculine and feminine. It is one general type of a gender system. Nikki Hayden, a transgender student told HuffPost: “Binary is the two genders – male and female – and you can be cisgender and be binary female – or transgender like myself.”  “Cisgender”? “Binary Female”? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa??? Show of hands – who here BESIDES Dick Jones is getting confused? (Looks down at penis in desperate consolation.)

Quote #6: “What should you avoid calling people who are trans?” Dick Jones has ALREADY decided that he’s not gonna call Transgender people ANYTHING, not even late for dinner…

Quote #7: “What questions would be offensive to ask someone who is trans? Here are some examples of what not to ask, courtesy of Nikki: “I find that questions such as – have you had ‘the surgery?’ or ‘are you pre-op or post-op?’ or ‘are you done?” are the most offensive and really unnecessary – In reality it’s questions that you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering yourself, such as ‘which bathroom do you use?'” Dick Jones is guessing that the question “How’s it hangin’?” prolly belongs on this list too…

Quote #8: “What should you do if you accidentally misgender someone? Being misgendered can create an uncomfortable, embarrassing and even unsafe situation for many trans people. There’s no doubt that when working toward creating or contributing to safer, more accessible spaces and services for all people, a person must be committed to affirming others’ gender identities and pronouns.” “Unsafe situation”? Dick Jones is once again struggling with this one – The only thing I can come up with here is “Hey Honey, watch out for that bus!” yelled at a transgender female, who subsequently ignores your warning since to “him”, he’s not your “Honey”, and he/she gets hit by said bus. O.K. – NOW I get it!

Quote #9: “How do you know if someone would like to be called he, she or they? It’s impossible to know which pronoun someone will prefer without asking them first. So Harry gave some tips to HuffPost: “My tips for using pronouns are just use the pronoun that the person wants to use. If a trans person wants to be referred to as he, call them he. I don’t think it’s that difficult.” Dick Jones would like to suggest the universal salutation “Hey Mother Fucker!” as the “safe response” here…

So there you have it, Fair Readers; once again, Dick Jones to the rescue! I’m glad we had this talk – now pardon me while I go sit down to pee; where’s that Victoria’s Secret catalog I wanna know?


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