Proof yet AGAIN…

…that “There’s no fool like an OLD fool”, regardless of which gender the new-found “love of my life” happens to be:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36127215

Dick Jones is wondering JUST how long it’s gonna be before the former senator’s food starts tasting “funny” — I’m betting right around the time he digs into that wedding cake…

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The Saga Of The Dremel…

Step on up to the old “Gripe Plate” with Dick Jones yet again, fair readers; this time I’m-a gripe about the (formerly fine) Dremel Moto-Tool. If you haven’t discovered these, they (USED to be) an absolutely wonderful tool for cutting, grinding, polishing, and all manner of hobby/household/garage/automotive projects.

I bought my first Dremel in ~1994 — it was built in The Netherlands. Over the course of the next 12 years, I beat the livin’ SHITE outta that tool — I used it extensively, mostly to cut and grind (heavy labor for a small tool like this) on about a dozen different vehicles that I built/restored.

Finally in ~2006, she gave up the ghost — I suspect the armature brushes finally gave out, although the motor was making some serious bearing noise. No big deal, right? Toss it in the can and go buy a new one; the old one sure didn’t owe me a nickel!

I absently grabbed one from Home Depot — this one with a long, flexible “driveshaft” arrangement, allowing it to get into smaller places. Great idea in theory; in concept, not so much. I cooked THAT one about a week after the 2-year warranty expired, in ~2008, so I switched back to the original “Moto Design”, but this time in a cordless variant; BIG mistake! That one was total garbage — didn’t have enough “ass” to polish my KNOB with (and that don’t take too much ass, for the record). Into the ash can THAT one went, and off to Lowe’s goes Richard Jones — stepping up to the plate to buy the Dremel 4200 Variable Speed Moto Tool, in the fancy plastic case — circa 2010, and now “Made In Mexico”…

Now Dick Jones ain’t got no beef with Mexico per se — beats the HELL outta Chin-wa doncha know! But alas, the Dremel Company has “sold its soul” to the Cheap Labor Devil, just like a bubillion other (formerly great) companies that are packing onto that big boat to profits at the expense of quality. These new Dremel 4200’s last just about two years of “moderate use” — I buy ’em down at Lowe’s now, keep the receipt, and go trade in the Mexican burnt out one for a new one like a salmon swimming upstream every 24 months. Trouble is, I have to pay the (grievously inflated) price differential between what *I* paid two years ago and the new “Ben Dover” price…

And while I’m on my latest tool rant, did you ever go look at a pair of Vice Grips lately? Formerly made for about 152 years in the small town of DeWitt Nebraska — here’s “The Rest Of The Story” on THAT goat fuck:

“In 2008, the original Vise-Grip manufacturing plant in Dewitt, Nebraska, closed when the parent company moved production to China. Over 330 people from Dewitt (population 600) and surrounding communities were out of work. But the local historical museum still has displays chronicling the development of the Vise-Grip and the Petersen family…”

Well ain’t THAT just wonderful?! The town is a virtual Ghost Town now, but you can go to the fucking MUSEUM and look at the way it USED to be; then I suppose you can go buy a cheeseburger from a former Vice-Grip worker, who’s now behind the short order griddle at the museum restaurant — the meat for said ‘burger was prolly shipped in from Chin-wa. Meanwhile, the Peterson heirs are probably living in El Lay, driving Toyota Priuses and not giving a BLUE FUCK about DeWitt Nebraska as they collect their fat “sellout checks” every month…

“Paging Mr. Jones — this is Beelzebub calling — your handbasket is waiting!”

Dremel

The Saga Of The Boxer Gloves…

On & on it goes, Kids — here’s the latest Dick Jones gripe: for many years I’ve been wearing CLC #135 “Boxer Gloves” for my garage chores, after accidentally discovering them about 10 years ago. They are INFINITELY better than “Mechanix” brand gloves — much “grippier” surface, form-fitting to a fault, protection on the backs of real suede leather for knuckles, and last about 2-3 times as long as Mechanix gloves.

I finally went through my initial order of a half dozen pairs, so I jump on the old Information Shopping Highway and order me up 4 more pairs from the small company that I bought the last batch from.

Here for comparison purposes is what they USED to look like (a New Old Stock pair on the left), compared to the Pakistani-made SHITE on the right:

Gloves

The new ones are absolute fucking GARBAGE! The palms feel like they’re made of crepe paper, and the backs feel like they’re made of papier mâ·ché — they’re not fit to wipe a goat’s ass with! Luckily I was able to source TWO more pairs of the old style — the search continues…

The World continues to go to Hell in a handbasket, and when they load Dick Jones IN that handbasket, he’ll have a few pairs of CLC Boxer Gloves in the OLD style with him — he’ll bring along a few pairs of the new style, in case there’s any goats in Hell who need their asses wiped…

Alabama Governor Gets Wallet Delivered Via Helicopter

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36057226

Dick Jones has known about this one for quite some time, due to the fact that he’s friends with one of Governor Bentley’s bodyguards; here’s the REAL story, from him:

“Yeah, I got the call from Bob (Bentley); I was busy giving his wife the old pickle-tickle when my cell phone rang. I finished up my “work” (the old gal is happy for ANY attention she gets anymore, doncha know) and grabbed the call – apparently Bob’s big quandary was that he had a coupla Jimmy Hats in said wallet, and had a “Happy Ending” appointment at the Thai Massage Parlor set up for late that afternoon. He wanted to make sure he didn’t get caught with his pants down and no “rascal wrapper”, so we grabbed that wallet and got it down there to him most rikki-tik; he needed the coin to cover those “services to be rendered” tab as well. The old geez forgot his Cialis too, so we had to grab that on the way out da’ d’oh. Geez – in a coupla more years, that codger is gonna be hiding his OWN Easter Eggs. Kinda sucks him getting busted on this one; looks like I’ll be out of a job after he gets the boot…”

Dick Jones suspects that Old Bob may be waking up real soon to find a used condom hangin’ outta HIS ass before the smoke clears and the dust settles on THIS caper…

jcap

Fucking “Scripting” on websites – the bane of Interweb Humanity!

GeezFuckin’CHRIST — what IS it with almost ALL websites now — can they pile ANY more sales HORSESHIT on their respective websites, Dick Jones wants to know?!

It all started (for me) with eBay — does anyone else remember when eBay was quick, easy, and even FUN? But I guess that bloated cow that started it all wasn’t making enough $ to keep her in Hostess Twinkies; now eBay is a convoluted GOAT FUCK — EVERY time I go on there now to do a simple Search, I get the message “A script on this page is causing Internet Explorer to run slowly.”

No fuckin’ SHIT, Dr. Watson! It’s on accounta all those God-Damned ADS that plaster themselves all over my screen, asking me if I want to buy all manner of Chinese-made garbage even remotely related to something that I might have looked at in the last six months via ANY search that I’ve done on the Internet. Isn’t eBay making ENOUGH fucking money coming & going — they gotta cram all that OTHER crap all over my screen?!

And how ’bout those photo hosting sites — No, I DON’T want to buy an 8X10 glossy of The Rings Around Uranus, suitable for framing. My own photo hosting site, which has NO mother-fucking advertising WHATSOEVER, costs a whopping $30/year.

C’mon, you cheap fucks — you’re trying to sell a $150K vehicle on eBay — drop 30 fucking clams on a No-Ad photo hosting site, f’er fuck’s sake! And you millennials — I KNOW that you want to show off your new $2,000 tattoo to all your fellow tattoo-wearing retards; how ’bout holding back that extra $30.00 “squirt of color” on your latest piece of skin HIDEOUSITY and drop that coin on a decent (read: Ad-Free) hosting site?!

O.K. — Rant off; now pardon me while I go put some ice on that bulging aneurism that’s popped up on Dick Jones’ forehead…