So, I just got back from the dermatologist – second visit in 4 weeks, after skipping for two years – BIG MISTAKE! That “warm California sun” that gets so much romanticized press in word and song had turned me into a stand-in for the dude in that ’50’s Sci-Fi classic “The Hideous Sun Demon”.
Four weeks ago, “Dr. Freeze” scolded me for waiting so long, as he hit seven places on my face & scalp with the freeze gun – a hand held can of liquid nitrogen that they use to freeze off the pre-cancer lesions that begin appearing in every fair-skinned moron like myself in his 50’s.
That’s right, boys & girls – remember all those times we went out with no sunscreen and no hats? Well, they WILL come back to haunt you if you’re lucky enough to live long enough! Dr. Freeze admonished me for all my outdoor bike riding which, no matter how diligent you are about slathering on the Waterproof SPF45+, you WILL “sweat off” pretty quickly on a 3-4 hour ride.
Follow-up visit a few days ago, where he hit my entire face with a laser, revealing dozens more pre-cancerous areas laying wait. Now I look like a cross between The Elephant Man and any and every IDIOT that ever stepped into the ring with Mike Tyson – apparently I can enjoy my new visage for about a week…
Which brings me to my point: When EXACTLY did the unwashed masses decide that “the hat” was no longer a good idea? Let’s jump into that Wayback Machine, Mr. Peabody – Stop #1: Plymouth Rock. Did them Pilgrim Dudes wear hats? Shit – you EVER in your LIFE see a Pilgrim WITHOUT his trademark chapeau I wanna know? Civil War era; again – “Give Me a hat, or give me DEATH!”
The taming of the West: Ever seen a cowboy without a hat? SACRILEGE!
The turn of the (Twentieth) Century, up through the ’60’s – two words: Humphrey Fuckin’ Bogart! (Alternately: Indiana Jones)
Then came the ’70’s, and off came the hats – WTF?! Even my own dear old Dad, holdout that HE was, shucked his Stetson for a skinny-brimmed skimmer, earning him a nice recurring basil cell carcinoma on the back of his right ear for the last 20 years of HIS life.
Dick Jones says: “Bring back the Stetson!” Who’s with me?