ANOTHER Happy Ending!

Dick Jones says: “And the hits just keep on coming!” Please join me in a moment of silent thanks to the Gods Of Kharma for guiding this scumbag off to an endless dreamless sleep, albeit about 65 years too late:

Too bad that he didn’t get some Earthly payback with a few years in Greybar Purgatory amongst General Population – his doody hole would have been a BIG hit in the Conga line that would have formed in the laundry room.

As usual, the Catholic Mafia protected their own, safely sequestered in the smallest but most powerful country in the World – The Vatican – where ALL the good criminals have safe haven!


My New Chin-Wa Fog Free Shaving Mirror

Being the vaguely civilized individual that I have recklessly evolved in to, I shave in the shower; if YOU don’t, REALLY?!

So I bought me this compact “Fog Free” shaving mirror on my last visit to the Wallymart – $6.88; all the way from Chin-wa in a matchbox!

Pictures tell the story:


Of course I tossed my receipt; I mean – have you ever SEEN the “Returns” line at a Wallymart I wanna know?

Nonplussed (I don’t know what that word means, but I LOVE the way it sounds!), I sent an email to the company whose name was listed on the back, pretty much asking them exactly HOW they could advertise a mirror as “Fog Free” given my results.

Here was their reply:

“You buy mirror from Walmart for $6.88 – fog free…”

“The defense rests, your Honor…”

Subway Pitchman To Make Menu Switch

Looks like Jared Fogle, the Subway Sandwich Shop success story, with be trading in his usual request for a 6″ hoagie for the larger and more filling “8 Inch Tubesteak Wrapped In Underwear”:

I’m sure he’ll be pretty popular there at The Greybar Hotel: “Jared didn’t give too good of a blowjob until after we punched all his teeth out – now that boy can suck a dick with the best of ’em!”

I’m guessing that the “Tossed Salad” will also be a regular menu item for this cum-bucket as well.

Dick Jones says: “See you in General Population, J-Boy – gonna MAKE you some friends all up in ‘dere!”

You fuck with the bull…

…you know the rest! EVERY time Dick Jones reads about “the running of the bulls” in Spain, it elicits a big smile. There’s nothing better than a “happy ending” in this man’s world (at least in The World).

I first learned about bullfighting like most of my peers – watching the now-classic Bugs Bunny cartoon “Bully For Bugs”, circa 1953.

From there, I can recall seeing it on some Spanish-speaking channel/program at 2AM, on my little Zenith B&W television that my Dad souvenired me when I was about six years old; of unknown and unexplained origin, it appeared at the house after one of dear old Dad’s monthly all-night carousing’s – probably the result of a drunken evening of poker playing; Dad didn’t know how to do too much, but he DID know how to win at poker:


I rooted for the bull then, and I root for the bull now – any MORON who willingly places himself in the same fuckin’ zip code of any creature possessing horns, tusks, or teeth longer than ~2″ deserves ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that HE gets (notice that I left out the fairer sex, proof POSITIVE once again that women are infinitely smarter than men, except when it comes to their occasional weakness for us)…

So please join me in congratulating the bulls for aiding in Darwin’s “Law of Natural Selection”, by weeding out and removing seven potential reproducers from passing on their respective “Retard Gene” – Bull-y!


Bring Back The Hat!

So, I just got back from the dermatologist – second visit in 4 weeks, after skipping for two years – BIG MISTAKE! That “warm California sun” that gets so much romanticized press in word and song had turned me into a stand-in for the dude in that ’50’s Sci-Fi classic “The Hideous Sun Demon”.


Four weeks ago, “Dr. Freeze” scolded me for waiting so long, as he hit seven places on my face & scalp with the freeze gun – a hand held can of liquid nitrogen that they use to freeze off the pre-cancer lesions that begin appearing in every fair-skinned moron like myself in his 50’s.

That’s right, boys & girls – remember all those times we went out with no sunscreen and no hats? Well, they WILL come back to haunt you if you’re lucky enough to live long enough! Dr. Freeze admonished me for all my outdoor bike riding which, no matter how diligent you are about slathering on the Waterproof SPF45+, you WILL “sweat off” pretty quickly on a 3-4 hour ride.

Follow-up visit a few days ago, where he hit my entire face with a laser, revealing dozens more pre-cancerous areas laying wait. Now I look like a cross between The Elephant Man and any and every IDIOT that ever stepped into the ring with Mike Tyson – apparently I can enjoy my new visage for about a week…

Which brings me to my point: When EXACTLY did the unwashed masses decide that “the hat” was no longer a good idea? Let’s jump into that Wayback Machine, Mr. Peabody – Stop #1: Plymouth Rock. Did them Pilgrim Dudes wear hats? Shit – you EVER in your LIFE see a Pilgrim WITHOUT his trademark chapeau I wanna know? Civil War era; again – “Give Me a hat, or give me DEATH!”


The taming of the West: Ever seen a cowboy without a hat? SACRILEGE!


The turn of the (Twentieth) Century, up through the ’60’s – two words: Humphrey Fuckin’ Bogart! (Alternately: Indiana Jones)

Bogart_resize IndianaJones_resizeThen came the ’70’s, and off came the hats – WTF?! Even my own dear old Dad, holdout that HE was, shucked his Stetson for a skinny-brimmed skimmer, earning him a nice recurring basil cell carcinoma on the back of his right ear for the last 20 years of HIS life.

Dick Jones says: “Bring back the Stetson!” Who’s with me?