“The End Is Near…”

Now this shit just ain’t funny:


Dick Jones had read some fuckin’ pessimistic things in the last few years, but this takes it! Now, I love me a polar bear as much as the next swingin’ dick, but I do believe that I can get by without ’em – but COFFEE?!

I say this to the head mother fucker what in charge of THIS trainwreck – better get ON the solution not now but RIGHT now – GeezFuckinCrisis is what *I* say! I mean – Earl Grey…I don’t EVEN think so!


How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…

I’m talking of course about my MOTHER-FUCKING Samsung Washer-Dryer set, more specifically (in my case at least)  with the washing machine.

Now to their credit, they ARE a whopping FOUR years old, and I DO run 1-2 loads/week through them (insert sarcasm here).

Here’s the thing – if I load more than about 4 pairs of socks in that washing machine, I get an “out of balance” condition that requires me to rearrange those 4 pairs of SOAKING WET socks a half dozen times (since I get an out of balance condition AGAIN each time), or switch to the “Rinse & Spin” cycle, which uses 152 MORE gallons of water, because there is no “Spin ONLY” cycle on this piece of Korean SHITE.

Apparently the drum shock absorbers go bad after two dozen socks are washed in them; replacing them with equally shitty shock absorbers is ~$350.00 plus labor. And before you think “Oh, here’s another old curmudgeon that hates new technology, allow me to direct you to entire websites DEVOTED to Samsung Haters:




This one is the coup de grace:


If these fuckin’ Korean boat anchors weren’t so God-damned heavy, I’d push ’em out to the curb with a “Free” sign on ’em – Speed Queen, here we come!

Caitlyn Jenner – Could I Be Any More Tired Of This Freak Show?!

Now, before you go all “Hater” on me, let me say that Dick Jones categorically does not give two Navy Yard Shites what Caitlyn Jenner or any other swingin’ dick does with his body. Hey – you wanna get a donkey vagina grafted onto your forehead? Go for it – “Whatever gets you through the night…” as the late John Lennon so aptly put, and which Dick Jones embraces in its entirety – as long as it doesn’t involve non-consensual sex with farm animals, that is…

Having said that, I am TIRED TIRED TIRED! of seeing this washed-up, decrepit has-been on EACH & EVERY channel I turn on 24/7, and in ALL the fish-wrap newspapers and ragazines that are ever’where you look. I mean REALLY – is this modern day version of Jo-Jo The Dog-faced Boy all we’ve got to talk about and think about right now I wanna know? Next thing we turn around, Obama is gonna be awarding this douchie the Congressional Medal Of Honor for his outstanding “bravery” in the face of overwhelming opposition (Pause here for projectile vomiting; I’ll clean it up later) – now you KNOW that this is entirely possible in this fucked-up outhouse we call home, isn’t it!


The “Coup De Puke” for me was last night’s ESPY’s, which Peggy switched on, and which I WOULD have (reluctantly) stayed in the room for (’cause I was too lazy to quit my aptly-named Laz-E-Boy recliner) – except that they IMMEDIATELY showed this fruitcake’s countenance. After ~11 seconds of his weepy-eyed drivel, I ordered Peggy to switch the one-eyed monstrosity to ANYTHING – and I MEANT anything – else! Give me “Real Housewives Of Love Canal” PLEASE!

Soooo…Anyone want to speculate on who the next has-been or never-was chump is gonna show up in what I will reluctantly refer to as “the news”, and what’ll it need to be to trump Mssr. Jenner? I’m guessing surgical transformation into Mr. Ed for Snoop Dogg – or WHATEVER the fuck HIS “Nom De Plume” is THIS week…