Mad Max – Blurry Road

Breaking a deep-rooted (for the last five years anyway) Dick Jones tradition of categorically AVOIDING movie theaters, the visual fish-wrap they purvey, and the slack-jawed masses that sheep-herd their ways to same, I went to see “Mad Max – Fury Road” this Saturday.

Let’s start off with “the genital public”, who are unbelievably rude – even though there are signs everywhere about cell phone use/texting, and they run a leader before the film about same, there’s ALWAYS some asshole(s) that thinks it doesn’t pertain to him/her.

Because most theaters now are “stadium seating”, if you sit up high(er), you get a beautiful view of every cheesedick’s Smart Phone (boy, THAT’s an oxymoron, ain’t it?!), texting away and providing you with a continuous distraction from watching the (shitty) movie.

A little backline here – I am one of the Top 50 all-time “Mad Max/Road Warrior” fan boys, so I’m picky – but this thing SUCKED OUT LOUD!

It follows the now-established formula for “action movies” – lots of super-fast-to-the-point-of-being-totally-blurred-out swish pans and quick cutting (which I assume is supposed to simulate a Six Flags Roller Coaster ride), exclusively-used computer generated graphics/effects (Charlene Theron’s left forearm was “missing”, hence the mantle of dirt on her forehead), big splashy helicopter establishing shots, as if to say:

“Hey, look at how much $ we spent to make THIS movie more action-packed than ALL its predecessors. You’ll be relieved to find out that there is no plot to get in the way of the action, and a full cadre of characters that you will care NOTHING about as they mug their universally-confused ways through this dreck; oh yeah, THEY don’t care about the movie either – they just want to get back to their respective trailers and THEIR respective Smart Phones.

“And fear not – we put some requisite “zombie/vampire-like” characters in there, since ALL movies now MUST have either or both. Remember how the original “Road Warrior” had a transport truck with a SINGLE trailer? Hah – we’ve got a transport truck pulling TWO trailers AND a fuel pod!

“Oh, and we made the chase vehicles even MORE ridiculous – how ’bout a vehicle made of TWO ’59 Cadillacs stacked one on top of the other for NO reason WHATSOEVER except to look ridiculouser! Stupid, More Stupid, Most Stupidist!

“Now sit back and (occasionally) look up from your Smart Phone at the times when we BOMBARD you with noise to the point that you HAVE to look up from your screens for 2 seconds, which is the maximum amount of time that you can do ANYTHING but stare at your stupid fucking device, which we realize is the ONLY lifeline that you have between your miserably insignificant life and all your online friends’ equally miserably insignificant lives…”

After enduring this SHITE for two hours (after 17 minutes of “Upcoming Attractions” that were all equally trite), I came home and whipped out my Blu-Ray versions of “Mad Max” and “Road Warrior” (“Mad Max – Beyond Thunderdome” was and always will be conspicuously absent from this duo, despite Tina Turner) – NO CONTEST! REAL stunts done by REAL people in REAL vehicles, with REAL characters and a REAL plot – raw, edgy, gritty, edited to a frame. Weekend salvaged…

So save your money for the next iteration of Smart Phone device that will surely make your life better, Boys & Girls – in a few months, you’ll be able to (not) watch “Mad Max, Fury Road” on the SMALL screen, where it BELONGS…

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