Some things just ain’t RIGHT!

O.K.—Rant time here at the Dick Jones “Retart Ranch” once again. Here’s my quick list of things that are just WRONG WRONG WRONG; I don’t give two Navy Yard Shites HOW many people/entities/alien beings here on Earth endorse them:

  • Tattoos on the head/face/neck. There’s just NO way around this one! I’m no fan of tattoos ANYWHERE/ANY WAY, but I suppose that if you gotta, you gotta; just keep that hideousity below the shirt line, will ya’?!
  • ANY tattoo on a woman’s breasticle(s); AKA: “How to fuck up a perfectly good tit in one easy lesson”…
  • “Gauging”; AKA: Stretching the living FUCK outta your ear lobe(s). Do the Planet Earth a favor if you’re even REMOTELY considering doing this—EUTHANIZE YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY; that’s a Dick Jones ORDER! Alternately, or if you’ve already DONE so, go directly to ISIS and request a quick decapitation; at least THEN you’ll get your 15 minutes of fame & glory, you attention-starved MORON!
  • Square automotive steering wheels. Came ‘atcha from left field on THIS one, didn’t I? Yeah, I know—Ferrari does it, so how wrong could it BE?! It’s just wrong, pure & simple; unless maybe you’re Freddie Flintstone, and you’re too lazy to finish carving out that block of oak before you install it on the Dino-mobile. Wheels, breasticles, and basketballs—started OUT round, need to STAY round; any questions?
  • ANY mutha-fuckin’ thing (other than maybe a pinky finger, and then just up to the first joint) that is inserted up ANYONE’s doodie-hole for ANY reason other than a physical examination by a doctor (Dr. Mengele excluded). Upon reflection, I AM O.K. with sticking a bayonet up a Taliban/ISIS fighter’s bungport; now THAT’s fully appropriate! But the above exceptions aside, that’s categorically a “One Way Skreet”; any questions, you freakin’ pervs? There’s SHIT up on in there; no need to send any “explorers” on ANY kinda mission to find this out…
  • Sex with (non-consenting) farm animals. I wouldn’t think that I would even HAVE to include THIS one; regrettably we all know that I DO; not that anyone who fancies Mr. Ed the horse, Elsie the cow, or Mary’s Little Lamb is gonna let THIS Blog entry cool their fiery ardor for same. Geez—buy yourselves a Fleshlight, will ya’?! And let’s not EVEN talk about chickens…
  • Ball caps with the bills “flattened”, worn sideways, with your ears tucked up under the hat portion: It’s been my observation that, almost WITHOUT exception, that any gape-mouthed mongoloid idiot that embraces THIS fashion foible has already drank the “Tattoo Kool-Aid” AND signed on for the “Piercings In Every Available Place” Cruise Ship, so I’m prolly wasting my energy here—but come ON! Buy a fuckin’ MIRROR, f’er Chrissakes, and USE the damned thing!

Oh yeah, there’s PLENTY more things that ain’t right—but even my own vague sense of decorum prevents me from putting them to print; they generally have something to do with putting your man-tool someplace that’s not even in the same fuckin’ AREA CODE of where it belongs…

I’m glad we had this talk!



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