If I Ever Become Homeless…

…which, considering the “Slippery Slope” that I live on—hell, which MOST married men live on—could indeed become a reality, here’s the contingency plan that I’ve worked out; to wit:

1). Buy a reasonably decent-looking, generic “Work Van”; you know the one—white, no windows except for maybe two on the back doors—the epitome of “Plain Jane-dom”. Cheap to buy, cheap to own, cheap to repair, cheap to insure, and virtually “invisible”. I would equip it with a blow-up mattress (optional) and register it with a Post Office Box, that I would also rent.

2). Get a membership to the 24 Hour Fitness chain—$100/year is usually what it costs.

3). Get a Costco membership—$30/year.

4). Get some of those magnetic signs made up for the sides of my van—something like “24 Hour Plumbers”, with a non-op. phone #.

That’s it! Now granted, this requires a bit of pre-planning and an initial “Buy In”; but after that, your ANNUAL cost of living is gonna be less than $900.00!

“O.K. Dick—now we KNOW you’re more than a few bricks shy of a load…” I hear you saying.

Here’s how it breaks down—$100 for the gym membership, $30 for Costco, ~$150/year for registration/tags/annual taxes on the Hooptie-Van, and just a few hundred $/year for liability insurance on same; plus the P.O. Box, which is gonna be $120/year—I KNOW that I could panhandle $900/year in about a week! That gives me 51 weeks worth of vacation per annum—JUST about right for a career underachiever like myself.

And here’s where the 24 Hour Fitness and Costco memberships figure in. Of COURSE, I’m gonna live in THE most comfortable, beautiful, and temperate climate in the US of A—Southern California! I drive the van up to the parking lot of the 24 Hour Fitness—these places are ALWAYS in Strip Malls, and I park RIGHT UP FRONT, with my “24 Hour Plumbers” signs in place.

I go inside, show ’em my membership card at the door, and I’m IN—hell, I might even grab myself a workout! When I’m done, I take a L-O-N-G, languishing shower, lathering up extra-heavy with that free soap. Then I go shave with the free shave cream (I’ll fish out a disposable razor from the trash—they’re ALWAYS good for 1-2 more shaves), then I park it in one of the recliners, right by the indoor or outdoor pool, and grab me a couple hours’ sleep—after reading one of the FREE newspapers.

I watch me some TV too; I glance up at the clock—almost noon—time to eat! I head on over to the Costco (they’re usually walking distance from the 24, BTW), flash my membership card and I’m in—now I make my way around the food aisles, sweet-talkin’ the old broads at those little kiosks they have there that are offering up free samples of the gruel that they’re hawking.

Ten minutes of that routine—I’m STUFFED! Better make my way back to the 24 Hour Fitness to grab an afternoon nap; hope nobody took my spot!

Go back to the Costco about dinner time for some more free samples, then back to the van, which I move a few hundred feet away; I’m in for the night—’cause the 24 Hour Fitness parking lot is ALWAYS “open”!

Wake up in the AM, go for my morning beach walk, panhandle a little if I’m in the mood, and repeat the above routine—another day in Paradise!

Now I dunno about YOU mooks, but there’s a whole lotta people that would say “Now THAT’s livin’!” Always good to have a backup plan, Kids…



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