The Bad Haircut

What.The.FUCK???!!! Grievous error #1 of 2015—I last-minute decide to ride shotgun with Peggy today up to “our guy”—same guy that’s been cutting my hair since ~2006. She’s got the appointment, so I take a book along and figger that IF he has time, he can give my hair a “tune up”. He does the color thang to Peggy, then Tony motions me into the chair while her hair is “cooking”.

Now, I like our hair dude, but he’s “five miles past out there”—maybe Mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby; oxygen deprivation in the womb third trimester; mildly retarded—Dunno. Don’t get me wrong—nice guy—I just never know WHAT the fuck he’s talking about, and whenever *I* say something to him, he nods his head “Yes”, then goes off on some obscure tangent that has ABSOLUTELY NO THING to do with whatever it was that *I* said.  But I digress…

I say to him: “Just layer the sides Tony; short as you can go and STILL have them layered.” Sidebar: With FEW exceptions, this is the way I’ve been getting my hair cut since NINETEEN-FUCKIN’-SEVENTY-FIVE; it AIN’T Al Einstein stuff! So I lean back in the chair, close my eyes, and take a little siesta, mainly so I don’t have to struggle with trying to understand WTF he’s talking about…

15 minutes later, I wake up —GEEZ-FUCKIN’-CHRIST—I’m looking at Eraserhead in the mirror! “Uh, Tony—is that your final answer?” It don’t matter though; at this point, I ALREADY realize that it’s WAY too late to pop open a can of Unfuck on THIS haircut; meanwhile, Peggy looks up from her ragazine across the room, unable to hide the look of abject horror on her face as our eyes meet.

But wait—dere’s MORE! Tony proceeds to cut “alittle here, alittle there” on the top, then more off the left side, then more off the right side, then more off the back; the last time my hair was THIS short, I was crapping in my own britches!

Meanwhile, I’m mentally calculating how many MONTHS it’s gonna be before I can go out in public WITHOUT a hat. Perhaps prophetically, I had just bought a nice Polo/Ralph Lauren brown suede baseball cap off eBay; it’ll be getting a LOT of use for the next 90 days…

In the meanwhile, you can just refer to me as Curious George—with a nice hat…

1/5 update: Woke up this AM and realized that my haircut looks EXACTLY like Seinfeld’s; should that make me feel a little better?  At least it’s TWICE as long as it was yesterday ALREADY this AM – D’oh!


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