Happy Freakin’ New Year!

Day 1 of 2015 was filled with the usual “hope & change” in my psyche, as befits most chicks n’ dudes that are lucky enough to show up for another new year. “Diet & Exercise”, right Kiddies?

Did pretty good—protein smoothie for brunch, reasonably “sensible” dinner before 6PM, single small cocktail; 45 minutes on the cross-trainer too—heart was beatin’ like a rabbit! As the saying goes—”The Journey of a thousand miles begins with the first punch of the Snooze button…”

EVER’ time I go on a diet & exercise regimen, I hear my alter ego chuckle to itsownself—”Yeah, you go Dick—deny me all the foods I CRAVE, hit that cross-trainer, show me that sparkle, keep hopping on those scales—cherish all the charts, graphs, menu-planning, veggie-buying, restaurant drive-bys, Tibetan Monk behavior—’cause *I* can wait…

Dat’s right—I can wait you OUT stewpit; for AS long as you’d like to continue this little charade. Remember 3 years ago—you lost SIXTY POUNDS in 4 months by eating like a sparrow and working out like a Spartan for 4 hours/day, EVERY day—kept it off for a YEAR too; remember—I even congratulated you!

Meanwhile, I just sat back, watching and waiting—’cause I KNEW that you’d fall off your high horse; I was RIGHT too, wasn’t I? Oh sure—you’re not blowed up QUITE like the poisoned dog you were then—you only gotta lose a mere FORTY POUNDS this time around to not look like the Circus Fat Lady that you do now—but you’re THREE fuckin’ years OLDER now Pops—’dem old bones of yours sound like dominoes bein’ slapped down in County, you’re poppin’ Aleves like Tic-Tacs; shit, you ain’t gonna make it!”

I think I’m schizophrenic. So do I…


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