A virtual JUNGLE of hair…


…in each of my nostrils, that is – got a pretty good crop in each ear too!

And I mean – this shit grows FAST! I hit all four “holes” weekly, on Tuesdays (and yes, there IS a hyphen in Obsessive-Complusive!), backing my armada of grooming tools out of the medicine cabinet – two battery-powered nose clippers, a LONG pair of skissors, and two different electric razors, to “scalp down” the final remnants.

Gotta have a lighted magnifying mirror as well as a handheld mirror too, so’s I can see into my ears. It’s a whole “ritual” really; let’s call it the Weekly Deforestation Ritual, sans Agent Orange. Don’t forget the eyebrows, Dick – don’t wanna look like The Mad Professor, doncha know; THOSE things are like trimming a freakin’ HEDGE, f’er Chrissakes. At least I’m not “Unibrow”; I got THAT goin’ for me, which is nice…

Two months ago, I was plagued by a “tickle” in my right nostril – I was certain that it was a wayward cat hair, as I land up retrieving ~6 of those/week out of my schnoze, thanks to FOUR (not that it’s any of YOUR fuckin’ bidness!) rescue cats that live here (They ARE kind enough to “sublet” a coupla rooms to Peggy and me).

So I fired up the lighted magnifying mirror and looked DEEP into my right nostril; yep, THERE it is! Must be a Cody hair (my Maine Coon) – damned thing looks to be about two inches long!

So I grabs me my skinny tweezers, and cautiously snake my way up past all the scar tissue from my nose being broken three times (as shocking as this may sound, not EVER’BODY thinks that Dick Jones is/was very funny, especially the young Dick Jones) – I get a hold on the errant hair and start pulling – FUCK – it’s CONNECTED! You gotta be SHITTIN’ me! It’s too far up there to send in one of the nasal weed whackers, so I get a REAL good grip on it and YANK; now THAT hurts no matter WHERE you’re from!

Out it comes; this ain’t no “fish story” – Goddamned thing was JUST shy of an inch long! Somewhere in my genetic “roadmap” (the same Rand-McNally that dead-ended my genital growth at ~12 years old), one of my pubic hair follicles musta got detoured up into my right nostril, is all *I* can figger.

Nature always has the last laugh, don’t it; funny as a man with a wooden leg in a forest fire…


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