Slower Traffic Keep Left

Today was the day I made my bi-monthly mecca to El Lay from the relative safety and security of Orange County CA.

I say “mecca” because it really DOES require a lot of planning & preparation, both mentally & physically. It’s about a 160 mile round trip that can either take 75 minutes each way, or 4 1/2 hours each way; I’m not kidding!

Unless you leave ~4AM on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, you MUST wait until 10AM to leave, or else you will be greeting with HORRID gridlock almost the whole way up. And once you get there, you must ABSOLUTELY leave El Lay before 2PM, or the same fate will await you on the return trip.

O.K., so I wait ’til 10AM to leave, but it’s not that simple either! You gotta pack yourself some refreshments — water, Starbucks Doubleshots, a protein drink or two, and a protein bar or two.

Make sure the fuel tank is full too — you do NOT want to have to stop in some of the “border towns” near El Lay — I won’t name any names here, but just take the “wrong exit” and you will surely die at the hands of a gang member or twelve! It doesn’t hurt to have a portable urinal in the vehicle either — j’es sayin’…

So I push off with my portable cooler stocked up, piss bucket in handy reach, full tank of fuel, and an optimistic glimmer of hope in my eyes — into the fray I go!

Having lived here for 11 years, I immediately make my way to one of the right hand lanes — you can absolutely COUNT ON the sheeples to hog the left lanes, texting away in their own respective bucolic hazes.

And here’s another thing — having your very own lane seems to be your “birthright” here in California! CalTrans could make 52 lanes in each direction, let loose 52 vehicles in each direction, and EVERY one of those mindless yucks would claim their OWN lane!

The far left (non-carpool) lane is exclusively reserved for texting; that way the morons who are doing so have only ONE lane of traffic, directly to their right, to “worry about” as they wander all over their very own lane, sending and receiving their VERY IMPORTANT TEXT MESSAGES!

And exactly WHY does every self-important retard in Kalifornia TEXT, you ask? Because the genius politicians have made it illegal to hold your cell phone in your hand. Now, I know what you’re thinkin’ — you gotta hold the phone in your hand to TEXT, right? SURE you do — BUT — if you’re TALKING on your cell phone, it’s right up there “visible”, next to your head.

If you’re TEXTING on your cell phone, you can have it right down there in your lap, so no one (unless they’re in an SUV) can (supposedly) SEE you texting; except of course if they watch your traffic patterns for three seconds, or look at where you’re LOOKING as they drive by — which THEY can’t do, because THEY are texting TOO!

Another law passed with grievously typical short-sightedness — thanks for that! It seems that the only people STUPIDER than the genital public are the politicians they elect! Heaven FORBID me to hold a phone in my hand, next to my head and TALK, while I am LOOKING down the road in front of me, checking my mirrors, etc. Too dangerous!

Make it illegal to hold that phone in your hand — do you REALLY think that’s gonna stop the unwashed masses from actually USING their cell phone for their VERY IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS? Uh-no; it won’t and it doesn’t.

Now I ask you — has anyone besides ME noticed how many more vehicles you see on the road these days with rear end damage? “I guess that ended THAT text message tout de suite!” is what *I* mutter ever’ time I see rear end damage; about 75 times/trip to El Lay & back on average.

“Never get out of the boat — absolutely God-Damned RIGHT!”

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