Back to Mr. Mxyzptlk.
It’s fifth grade (pardon me if I think in terms of “grades” instead of how old I was; for whatever reason, that’s how what’s left of my addled brain works), it’s an official “Snow Day” (no school) in our berg in New Jersey, and me, Mr. Mxyzptlk, my best friend, and a couple other guys have one of those 6′ toboggans that we are cautiously going down this “glare ice” hill on — each time we get near the bottom of the hill, right before the stand of trees there, we all stick our feet and/or hands out to brake, and avoid crashing into same; then we “crunch” back up the hill a few yards further and repeat.
Now let me make this PERFECTLY clear — I’m a pussy now, and I was a pussy then; as we used to say in Jersey — “A leopard don’t change its stripes” (insert guffaw here). So as my pals are suggesting that we go further and further up the hill, I’m thinking — “this is NOT gonna end well for ANY of us.” ‘Cause it HOITS trying to slow down on this stuff — the ice is glazed over six inches of snow, and when you stick your hands or feet out to try and slow down, the ice makes a sincere attempt to sever your respective appendage(s) from your body.
But Mr. Mxyzptlk takes us all to the VERY top of this hill, jumps in the #1 spot in the front of the toboggan, then looks back at as all, as if to say “Well? I’m going — you coming?” Using his aforementioned powers of persuasion, we all got on, in order to complete our destiny…
And complete it, we DO! Down that hill we roar, over that glare ice like shite through a goose, the toboggan swinging left-to-right, barely under control of anything but gravity and (lack of) friction.
And O.K. — I’m a kid then, right? I dunno exactly HOW fast we were going (My Go-Pro wasn’t working that day, kids) but it was pretty Fuckin’ Fast & Furious.
As the stand of trees quickly moved towards us to meet us (or so it seemed), we all start sticking hands & feet out (all of us except for Mr. Mxyzptlk, that is) to try and slow this Conveyance From Hell the fuck DOWN; not “now”, but RIGHT NOW! No good — too fast!
There’s the biggest oak tree, dead (and I MEAN dead!) ahead — we all do the “quick math” and figger that it might be just a wee bit m’oh bettah’ to be cut to pieces by the glare ice than to crash head-on into that tree. One by one (with me being the BIGGEST pussy in the bunch) we bail out, choosing “the death of a thousand cuts” over the “Signal 30” head-on collision (requisite Google Search of “Signal 30” inserted here).
My “jump & tuck” maneuver didn’t work out too good for me — the back of my jacket got “caught” in the ice along with the half dozen shirts I had on, pulled up to just below my arms, and my (now exposed) back got cut to ribbons by the jagged ice edges — I STILL got the scars to prove it.
The other guys that bailed suffered various cuts of the wrists, ankles etc. — but Mr. Mxyzptlk STAYED ON! What-The-FUCK?! Bam! He and the toboggan center-punch that oak tree, the toboggan splinters apart like Paul Bunyan’s kindling, and Mr. Mxyzptlk hits the tree head & chest-first — “Somebody grab their cell phone and dial 911!” (Whoops — wrong era!).
We all gather our wayward gloves, hats, and glasses, and tentatively make our way towards the pile of firewood that was once a toboggan, which has formed a teepee over the curled-up body of Mr. Mxyzptlk. My best buddy gets there first, pulls a few of the slats away to reveal Mr. Mxyzptlk, who looks up and says with a smile — “Helluva a ride, eh Boys?”
I say to you here & now — NO human can do that!