I gotta ask — what’s up with THESE?! And why do they ALWAYS ALL-WAYS appear overnight, while you’re (supposedly) peacefully sleeping and recharging your batteries for the next hard day of houseboy/slacking duties I wanna know?
Like most teenagers, I “did my time” with the whole zits thing, suffering the incessant humiliation through my high school years — you remember the drill, right? “Nice headlight there on your schnoze, Dick — want me to pop that for you, or you gonna need it so you can see to get home with?”
Ever’ body these days talks about “Bullying” — OH POOR YOU! Geez All-Mighty — these kids today, if they lived back in MY day, and in New Jersey no less — CRUCIFIXION! Trial by fire EVERY SINGLE DAY! The clothes you wear, your hair, the aforementioned appearance of a pie-sized blemish the day of school photos — every nuance of your life under the microscope, subject to the incessant jabs of your fellow classmates (may they ALL suffer from terminal jock itch!)
News of a new zit appearing on someone’s visage took approximately 52 seconds to traverse the entire high school, using the old tried & true “word of mouth” method (we didn’t need no texting!) — let the verbal brutality COMMENCE! Why wait for lunchtime at the cafeteria or after lunch playground time — please call attention to same during class! And don’t forget to point it out to your favorite teacher that you’ve got a secret crush on, why doncha?! “Thanks for that, Bob — I hope your legs grow together in your sleep tonight!”
I woke up two weeks ago, stumbled out of bed using the EXACT “shortest distance between two points” method between my side of the bed and the coffee machine, which is exactly 17 1/2 steps from same, barring the occasional “maneuvering” around cat toys that have been nocturnally strewn like land mines between me and my appointed first task du jour — “COFFEE!” is the single word I utter as I bat away the cobwebs that seem suspended in the air all along my pathway, one eye mostly closed, the other eye trying to focus on my “California” mug, pre-loaded with Whey Low non-sugar sweetener by my beloved wife, who KNOWS after 27 years together that it “must be so” — no thing must impede my AM coffee intake ASAP! *I* can’t be bothered in my semi-comatose state with trying to maneuver a spoon in a sugar bowl to suss out the EXACT amount of sweetener that *I* REQUIRE for my coffee to taste EXACTLY THE SAME each & every day; but I digress…
I fuel up for the hard day ahead of me, wife says her goodbyes with NO mention of “it”, I do my AM Internet Surf, point Percy at the Porcelain to rid myself of said coffee, then casually look in the mirror…What in the BLUE FUCK is THAT?! There’s a zit the size of a wheel cover in the EXACT epicenter of my face — right on the TIP of my nose, just below my Breathe-Rite strip — WTF! I’m 58 fuckin’ years old, f’er Chrissakes! No selfies for ME today!
So today I wake up, do the usual, casually look down at my right forefinger — a freakin’ ZIT on my FINGER! Now what the hell do IT want?! At least it’s better than on my nose — this is me shutting the fuck up right now! Middle-Aged Zits — proof positive that there is no order to the Universe!