“Have you been drinking?”

(Mother-In-Law Visit, Part 2)

We get all the luggage loaded in my now saggy-springed SUV, and I try to put myself into “that place” that ALL son-in-laws try to get to: “Do not confront, agree with EVERYTHING, complain about NOTHING, act happy/look happy/BE happy!”

It WORKED — for approximately 17 seconds! Then I blew it all right out the window when MIL asked me — “Is there an airbag on the passenger side of this old car?” “There is NOW!” was my reply — Oopsie; I’m gonna hear about THAT one later!

Off we go, with my trusty “Navigator” helping me out with my driving the entire 30 minute drive home — I haven’t gotten so many “Stink Eye Looks” since I farted at the Thankgiving Day Dinner Table back in ’63.

“You’re driving too fast! Didn’t you see THAT?! This doesn’t look like the same way we went last time! Have you been drinking? How does this seat adjust? Do you have any gum? Oh, THAT kind — I don’t like THAT kind; do you have any sugarless gum? Have you been drinking? What’s for dinner? Can we stop for alittle something on the way? Aren’t you following too close? Have you been drinking?” Oh-Kay – Dear God & Baby Jesus; only two weeks, huh?

We get back to La Casa, and as I’m trying to figure out a subtle way TO begin introducing some Jacques Danielle’s (again, for my French readers) into my system tout de suite, Mom announces that she would like “some tea”.

Now, please allow me to fill you in on the whole “tea thang”. Peggy and I are NOT tea-drinkers; personally, I find it a bit “gay” — (NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!) — It’s just not for me. But Mom IS a tea-drinker, and NOT a coffee-drinker (maybe it’s a “Democrat Thing”; I dunno), so EVERY FUCKIN’ TIME she comes out to visit us, we gotta go to the grocery emporium and BUY some tea.

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’ — “Where’s all the tea from the LAST visit, Richard?” Logical question, fair reader; but here’s the thing: Mom’s taste in tea changes like a ramp model’s underwear, so EVERY time she comes out, and I display the large, extensive selection of previous tea purchases, purchased EXCLUSIVELY for HER and with her on-site guidance at the Grocery & Tea Emporium Of Orange County, she takes a quick look at them and says: “I don’t like any of those teas any more!”

So we now have an ENTIRE cabinet devoted to “Teas of The World” in our kitchen; that shit is too expensive to throw away, but I guess the only way we’re gonna get rid of it is to throw a “Gay Tupperware Party” (Making note to self on that one), and off we go yet again to the aforementioned G&TEOC to get some NEW tea to keep all the OLD tea company — Grrrrr!

“Have you been drinking?”

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