I know — you fine folks have already had a half a gut full of my rant regarding MY Coffee Mug, MY Keurig, etc. — but from where *I* sit, we haven’t reached “ad nauseum” QUITE yet, so humor me here (and I will try to humor you right back!).
I don’t think I am alone in my opinion that, next to an empty nutsack, the morning coffee is just about THE most important thing a man can call his own on any given day.
And like most swingin’ dicks, I’m a reasonably simple man (Peggy uses a slightly different and VASTLY less complimentary descriptor for me, but let’s not get into THAT right now) — I like an EXACTLY perfect, EXACTLY consistent cuppa Joe EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN’ MORNING; if not, there can be no good to follow all the rest of the day.
I’ve only been drinking coffee since I was six years old, so I’m no expert (insert grin here), but I’d like to think that my coffee preparation process has evolved over the last 52 years — from that first cup that I STILL remember — Dad defying Mom and busting my caffeine virginity, pouring me a cup in his Alcoholics Anonomous mug (prolly THE first time that mug held anything other than gin!), liberally dosed with cream & sugar (Instant Addiction!); through grade school ( often invited into the smoke-filled “Teacher’s Lounge” for a cup by my 8th grade teacher Mr. Flynn); high school (where it finally became “legal” to drink as a kid); through the GALLONS & GALLONS that were drunk to get me through the omnipresent “all-nighters”; to “adulthood”, where some degree of effort was made to actually IMPROVE the quality of the beverage, and thus the entire coffee experience. In fact, I can NOT remember a time when I didn’t drink coffee, except for those few years when I was crapping in my OWN britches and racing around on a tricycle in urban New Jersey.
Anyway, until yesterday, my current “system” for the last 25 years or so has been: Buy reasonably expensive (as in: ~$100+) coffee machine, use ever’ day, clean fairly regularly, replace every 1-5 years when it shits the bed (after a couple attempts at dissection/troubleshooting/repair that ended VERY badly for the broken machine — “It’s fuckin’ BROKEN, Dick — just ’cause you can’t FIX that piece of Chin-wa CRAP is no reason to pummel it into dust, you MORON!”), repeat.
Well last Friday, the most recent piece o’ fine Chinese craftsmanship finally rolled snake eyes after a 3 year run; for the record, the “grinder” portion of the program lasted ~8 months before it FUBAR’d, then the timer went tits-up in year 2 (causing me to rig up a Rube Goldberg setup with an old light timer plucked from my appliance graveyard); it finally gave a weird electrical “sputter” and went fully horizontal, earning it a spot in “the morgue” (aka: the laundry room), where it’s queued up for the “Dead Man Walking” accompanied stroll out through the garage to the trash bin — off to its final resting place in the Orange County Landfill.
So Job #1 for Saturday AM was ~90 minutes of on-line research to discover what smarter people than me considered “THE best coffee maker in the Universe”. Well, there was a CLEAR winner, boys & girls — the “Technivorm MoccaMaster” — hand-assembled and individually tested in The Netherlands!
Now — I don’t really know too much about The Netherlands, but I DO know a FEW things; to wit: #1.) It’s supposedly REALLY fuckin’ cold there (when was the last time YOU saw “Women’s beach volleyball coverage — live from The Netherlands!”); #2.) they have windmills there, which I don’t really know what they actually DO, but I love the way they LOOK (I missed “The Netherlands Day” in sixth grade — I was prolly stealing hubcaps); #3.) They have really great accents, and when they talk, you feel like you ALMOST know what they’re saying; #4.) It’s supposedly REALLY fuckin’ cold there…
And since it’s supposedly REALLY fuckin’ cold there, The Netherlands Dudes — at least the SMARTER ones — prolly try to stay inside AS much as POSSIBLE — and if you are a smart Netherlands Dude with a cool accent with NO interest WHATSOEVER in windmills or starting up a women’s beach volleyball league — you’re gonna seek out OTHER smart Netherlands Dudes and say: “Hey — fellow smart Netherlands Dude — are you as tired of this shitty Mr. Coffee java as *I* am? Let’s build us a better muizeval (that’s Netherland-speak for “mousetrap” — don’t you know ANYTHING?!) most riki-tik, so we can get wired, go outside, and start a women’s beach volleyball league.”
And that is JUST what they DID, fair readers! Ever’ once in a while, some dudes build a “thing” that is as beautiful as it is functional — the Techivorm Moccamaster is one of those things! It’s brushed stainless steel, glass — and what little plastic they DO use is really shiny, which makes it cool. This thing belongs in MoMA, I’m tellin’ ‘ya!
It heats the water up to what the smart Netherlands Dudes have figgered out is THE optimal and EXACT temperature to pour over ground coffee beans to make THE proper cup of coffee. Did I say “pour”? I meant “spray” — this conveyance has NINE little nozzles that spray the water equally & exactly over the ground beans (which you DID grind using your $199.00 Techivorm MoccaMaster Coffee Bean Grinder, which grinds the beans to EXACTLY the proper level of coarseness/fineness —’cause these smart Netherlands Dudes figgered THAT out too; then DROPS them using our sometime-friend Mr. Gravity down into its waiting cannister — ’cause that’s how it’s ‘APPOSED to work); six minutes later, dark honey-liquid arrives in a glass carafe which is both robust and delicate all at the same time (like my genitals, by analogy), where the resulting PERFECT coffee waits for you at the EXACT temperature that coffee SHOULD be served at — ’cause the smart Netherlands Dudes did all the “heavy lifting” FOR me!
And it IS H-O-T, boys & girls — I mean, if you’re gonna go out into the fuckin’ cold and start a women’s beach volleyball league, you had BETTER walk out da’ d’oh with a HOT cuppa!
So, stir in your favorite condiment(s), then WAIT (assuming that you’re someplace where the temperature DOESN’T start out with a minus sign) for a few minutes before bringing your favorite California mug (not MY California mug, mind you) up to your lips; you will be greeted with Coffee Nirvana!
Use you some good (non-tap) water too — but you already knew THAT, didn’t you — and you’ll enjoy THE BEST coffee you’ve EVER tasted, with NO “aftertaste”! See — the smart Netherlands Dudes gots them some bragging rights on the “no aftertaste” thang.
Now, I know what you’re thinking — same thing as *I* was thinking — “coffee aftertaste” — Whaaa…? But the coffee that comes out the other end of THIS thang is SMOOVE — I never KNEW that my coffee was leaving an aftertaste in my mouth until I tried THE very same coffee brewed through the Technivorm MoccaMaster!
Oh — and remember that “backwash swill” that’s ALWAYS at the bottom of the carafe and/or YOUR cup, if you’re the lucky bastard to get up every morning LAST, like *I* am? Well, there IS no backwash swill in your carafe or mug — ‘daz right — the smart Netherlands Dudes thought of THAT too — ’cause that’s how they roll (when they’re not busy “rolling” something ELSE there in Hempsterdam — if you know what I mean and I think you DO!) .
Fair warning — Coffee Perfection don’t come cheap! And if you’re the kinda guy who doesn’t know the difference between a ten dollar crack ho’ and a two thousand dollar call girl, then move along — ‘nuthin’ to see HERE!
But if you DO, then pony up the six Benjamin price of admission right there at the front door of Williams-Sonoma for the Smart Netherlands Dudes Technivorm MoccaMaster Grinder, Coffee Brewer, and no-dioxins stupid-expensive Technivorm Coffee Filters — they’ll take your dough with a smile; then you’ll go home, set it up, sleep like a baby in her mother’s arms; and when you wake up in the AM you’ll be in the FRONT ROW of “The Perfect Coffee Show”!